the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Work & Sunshine

So it has been three weeks today that we had the level II ultrasound solidifying the diagnosis for our little Jonan. I can see the room, me lying on my back for the hour and a half ultrasound. I can still feel the tears running down the side of my cheeks as she showed us he was a boy. I had always known he was a boy.
I didn’t think that three weeks later we would have already said goodbye and laid him to rest just miles from our home. I just never thought.
I think the strangest part of this week has been returning to work. Returning may be a loose word, it is a new job, so I am working, but not really returning to something. Anyways, I am glad this week is over, but not because I am not enjoying my new job, but because I am glad to be through yet another new thing in my life.  The sweet woman training me is very pregnant…(deep breath). The joy I have for her doesn’t keep me from having to tell myself “look at her eyes, look at her eyes”. I am distracted than I anticipated. At one point a student came in the office to say hello and ask how soon the baby is coming. She said she would have a baby in about four weeks. They were both so happy and all I wanted to do was blurt out “I just had a baby last week!” And then go on and on about my sweet Jonan.  I felt invisible.  I refrained and quietly excused myself to the bathroom so I could privately shed some tears, pray, recite scripture, and return to work.  There is nothing they did wrong, nothing they need to change, and no excitement they should have squelched…it was just difficult.
On a different note this is the first day I have not hated the sunshine. I have despised it for days, as I have my IV bruise fading, my body healing, and the quietness that is settling into our home.  All these things remind me that time is moving along and life must continue, without my precious Jonan. I have actually been praying that God would help me not hate the sun so much, that He would help me acclimate.  And today, I woke and was ok seeing the sun. 

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