the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Rule of Life


When I am unable to write, I miss the pen (well, the keyboard actually). I miss writing, thinking, and musing over ideas and dream-visioning about big picture sort of things. I miss this. My life has become quite small. Big, oh, so big…yet small. 15 pounds-ish small. I truly am finding myself contented in this place. It does not come naturally, however. Contentment is not on the strength-list of the visioning type, within which personality category I would certainly find myself.  But to have contentment with vision seems near impossible, yet also nearing holy.

God must be like this: Patient-filled. Vision-holding.

I tend toward giving in to one or the other. I have vision without patience which fuels an over-working make-it-happen self-filled energy; or I have patience without vision which, for me, then melts into apathy. Neither nearing holy.  A couple weeks ago I hit a wall with this. I felt a bit discouraged…teetering on sick and exhausted.  I had hardly 30 minutes to myself, I was sleeping when Elsa was napping (barely at that time) and, truth-be-told, trying to figure out what ones does with a four month old. I feel like I sound like a bad momma when I say this, but I just don’t know what one does with a baby all the time.  And the thing is…she wants to do! Do anything. This munchkin would be running all over this house if it weren’t for her four-month old body holding her back from conquering the world.  Oh, this little one, she has plenty of vision J

So in my minor moment of discouragement a couple weeks ago I prayed a little prayer. Lord, I need some holy hope. Sounds a bit like a cheesy alliteration, I know, but I meant it sincerely and God answered. Somehow only God can save me from my self-led desire to overdo, and my self-reacting desire to do nothing. He speaks firmly and correctly, always having the proper word at the proper time.

I would say most of the time God answers me with simply His presence. I am renewed in that place and filled up by the One who fills all the earth. There is nothing quite like it, and truthfully that is what I was praying for that morning. But God chose to answer with His presence and a surprise.

I have been leading a small group of women since September; weekly we create space for soul transformation and have seen God do great things among us. An organization called LeadershipTransformations was running this contest about a newly-released IVP book written by their founding president, Steve Macchia, entitled Crafting a Rule of Life: An Invitation tothe Well-Ordered Way. A week or so prior to praying that prayer, I had entered my small group into a contest by writing a short blip about us.  To enter, one simply needed to write about their group and why they wanted to win. If chosen they would be sent free books for each person in the group and have a 30 minute Skype call with the author. Pretty cool.

I entered our group by writing this:
 “I am in process of working out a Mother’s Rule of Life. As a new mom this has been amazing as I dig deeper into the vocation of motherhood. I also lead a small group of 8 women, four decades of ages, mothers and non-mothers, corporate and quotidian, and I would love to do this study with them. We are growing in spiritual connection and transformation is happening as we are exploring group spiritual direction. I think this book could be a great next step as we deepen our intimacy with Christ in the midst of our day in day out responsibilities of life.”

The short story is we won! I actually received an email telling me this and didn’t think it was real. I thought, oh geez, one of these things where everyone “wins”. Maybe it was just promotional…ever the cynic. Before replying, I read the email to Jeff that night and asked if he thought it was legitimate.  Well, it was addressed to me, spoke specifically of my group and my blog, and was from and individual email address…yes, he said, I think it is for real J

I was filled up again with new vision amidst the sincere contentment-seeking of my abovementioned quotidian days.  My personal dichotomy fused together by God’s strength; the interior-self drawing nearer to Holy.

As my group is on this personal journey together, I look forward to writing about our travels. This past Monday we Skyped with Steve, the author, and have a new group energy for engaging this process of crafting our own Rule of Life within the context of spiritual community. Steve reminded us of God’s continual and personal invitation to turn toward Him. The all-sufficient God, wholly complete within Himself, seeks us.  He has need for nothing, so whatever could He want with us?  Only those who accept the invitation can be surprised with His answer.



Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Gone


Two years after I graduated college the band Switchfoot released their double-platinum album Gone. By then I had racked up what I felt was more than my fair share of post-college failure. I cold-quit the insurance sales job that promised the big cash because I dreaded yet another cold-call; I moved my entire life to New York for the man I thought I knew and loved, but within the year rejected that looming question and moved back to my parents’ home with head hung; I lost my dear and best friend to an ugly church situation; and I found myself already having lived in yet another state with four jobs in my wake working, this time, as the beer-cart-girl, or so they called me on the greens, making sandwiches at the pro-shop in between runs. Oh, how dreams die hard. And pride for that matter.

Feeling as if I was flipped around in a world where I was unsure I would even get a grasp enough to know I could pay my rent more than one month at a time or know which state I would live in for more than one year, I was rapidly losing clarity. Was it the world or me that was flipping around…I was not sure. The sales jobs that promised the cash flow always seemed to whisper my name when I was sick of making my ten bucks an hour to pay the rent and waitressing to buy groceries. I can sell, I knew that. But I desperately hated it. Desperately. And the mantra of the sales world, and much of the business world haunted me…

Time is Money.

Oh, how that urked me. And though I was unsure if it was world or me flipping upside down in the post-college blur of life, I was beginning to have some clarity about one thing…Time.

Time was not money. 

Whoever came up with that was sorely mistaken and has fueled many a driven soul into deeper greed, personal disconnection, and maybe guilt. I distinctly remember driving one day and asking myself why don’t we say time is relationships?  For instance, why are we not sad at the end of the day when we haven’t stewarded our time to deepen or begin new friendships with those around us instead of made more money? 

It was around this time I heard the song Gone by Switchfoot. A hip song with deep lyrics I found myself singing along within a few listens.  The words toward the end grabbed me, and in the world where I thought I was flipping I realized maybe I was becoming more stable that I knew:

Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash…
All the riches of the Kings end up in wills
We got information in the information age
But do we know what life is outside of our convenient Lexus cages…

"Time was never money." Never. This line placed my thoughts within the grand history of time…God created time, is not bound by time, yet works within time, and time.was.never.money. Oh, how freeing this was. Nine years later I still enjoy singing along.

For balance sake I recognize that we do spend some of our time working to make money. And appropriately so. I know there is a counter-culture that idealistically offers the “why does the world even have to have money, can’t we all just love each other and live like the Rainbow Family” pie in the sky sort of ideology.  Thankfully, Solomon clearly offers us an antidote to both the driven and the naïve in the book of Ecclesiastes:

There is a time for everything under heaven.

Everything.  But I offer that in lieu of hearing that urking aforementioned statement and assuming it is correct and is just the way things are in this society, let us remember time is not money, and it never was. Time is a gift of God.  And as I am beginning a new season with my small group I am resurrecting anew this old thought of mine and asking why is time not transformation?  

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Yea

So I say it is a sacrifice…
This choosing infant over ink.
But if I had larger eyes I could see the picture very differently.   
Sacrifice, nay. Greater life…
Yea. 
To serve another is life indeed. 


Monday, April 9, 2012

off with the armor: a highlight

This is a highlight of my sister post today from her blog "off with the armor". Click the link to visit her blog. Pray you had a blessed Easter.