the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Rally


"Any society, any nation, is judged on the basis of how it treats is weakest members- the last, the least, and the littlest." -Cardinal Roger Mahony

I have been wanting to write about the rally for days! But, alas, I must remain keenly aware that my calling to the littlest in my home must supersede my desires to write on any given day.  Oh, I wish that were easy for me to do! To give up my own time for another. I wish I could say that my heart was less inclined toward myself and more inclined toward serving someone else. But it is not.  On my best day as a mother so far I still think I am accomplishing an amazing feat to give of myself for an hour at a time to my littlest one when our Lord gave His entire life for me. I know I am not judged in this, I am covered in grace for certain. But I know the greatest fulfillment in life is to live not for me and my own self-actualization, but to live for Another. Always in process.

Okay, enough of deep thoughts with Kimberly J….the rally! After disembarking the Metra, Father Kevin, with homemade sign in hand, led a herd of us in a downpour from Ogilvie Station to the Federal Plaza. 

We were truly soaking. Thankfully about noon when the rally was to begin the rain let up and we were able to get close to the stage.

Unfortunately the power was not working, leaving us to listen to the first half of the speakers through a megaphone. “Listen” would be generous; unfortunately we couldn’t hear much of anything of the first half.  But a visit from Jeff on lunch break was a welcomed surprise! 

Somewhere during all that a group of zealous Catholic teens built a contraption with a huge sign that said “Life” along with hundreds of yellow balloons reading the same.   Their energy was a gift.

At some point the USPS helped us out on the power issue and we had a sound system. US Congressman Joe Walsh told the crowd to “be prepared to go to jail for your beliefs.” Honestly, this surprised me coming from a congressman. Are we really at that place? My cynical mind was replaying those “scary” political email forwards as I heard his words, distrusting their foreboding sentiment.  But I don’t to claim to understand fully the age we are in, so I resolve to remain true to my convictions and pray his words are made out to be foolish, aware fully they may not be.

We also heard from a man who openly said “I do not share your faith” but fully believed in the unconstitutionality of this HHS mandate and believes it worthy and important to fight for religious freedom. He reminded me of the popular quote by Martin Niemoller:
"First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out-
Because I was not a Socialist.
Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out-
Because I was not a Trade Unionist.
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out-
Because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak for me."

That man speaking at the rally…Jewish. Perhaps too close a reality for him. This all sounds so sensational to me, really. But so does the thought that one could be mandated to pay for the loss of life. I imagine those in another time would not believe something like this could ever be. But still, I pray the congressman’s words are seen as foolishness someday; that me attending this rally was way over the top…these ludicrous laws overturned and neither individuals nor entire groups are mandated to do what is against their conscious in a country that espouses freedom as its primary identity.   Let’s pray together for this.  







"Any society, any nation, is judged on the basis of how it treats is weakest members- the last, the least, and the littlest." -Cardinal Roger Mahony



Wednesday, March 21, 2012

One Voice


I have been figuring how to write about this topic for some time, so I guess I am going to just jump in and see how it goes. This will not be a polished writing, but a stroll through my mind on, potentially, the great issue of our era.

I would say I have always considered myself “pro-life”. Never has it seemed humane, in my understanding, to take another’s life.  I know there are issues such as that of rape and abnormality to consider in this seemingly complicated argument, yet to determine another’s worth based on how they were conceived or what challenges they may face is not for me to determine. If I believe in the sovereignty of God then I must believe in His knowledge of this precious life and that He is well aware of its situation…whatever that entails. And by nature of being God, He is able to meet the needs of whatever challenges arise. Also, by nature of being God, He loves a forming soul & body beyond our understanding. I have always believed these things.

My stance as someone “pro-life” was something I held firmly but have not seen the need to act upon, or for that matter, even speak of often. That’s for the Catholics. I would not consider it something that prevailed in my considerations of voting.  I would not consider myself a pure “party” voter anyhow. This issue is just something I can choose and live quietly about.

But Jonan Eilam changed all that.

Since last year, walking the road we walked with him, I have understood more deeply the vulnerability of the pre-born. They have no voice. They have no strength. They have no rights. We, who are powerful…holding position, money, instruments of surgery, intelligence, reasoning; only we can give them rights. They cannot fight for them on their own. (note: we do not give them worth, God does that; even stripped from every right, their worth remains. And that being said, they actually do have strength as well, we are just too busy overpowering their strength to see it.)

I will never, in my lifetime, forget lying on the table for a level 2 ultrasound as the doctor is telling me my “options”. Her words fuzzy as wet rolled down my cheeks, simultaneous my eyes watch little legs kicking, arm flailing, heart beating… “remove the contents” she says…blah…blah…blah. Or as another doctor said the day before… “most women chose to terminate” … why does she even say that? Is it medically necessary that she say what “most women” do? Why would I make my decision because of what “most women” do anyways? Maybe Pope John Paul II was on to something when he said we live in a “culture of death”…

I did not make my decision for his life immediately, I am sorry to say. I was terrified and unsure of the road ahead, carrying a baby that was sure to die. I was scared of the physical issues that could arise for me. Uncertain I could handle the emotions. I was just scared. I had a supportive husband, church, family…and I was still scared. I cannot imagine those women who pee on the stick alone, take that pill alone, drive to the clinic…alone. And I will say that has been a “miss” on the part of the church in some ways. Picketing without providing.  It’s easy to picket and announce it is wrong, but how are we providing for the women walking that scary road? I am proud and thankful to be part of a church that host’s baby showers for those saved from the surgeon’s knife. Offering support of provision and presence. Ideally, our convictions should not turn people away, but draw them in.

But sometimes they do offend, even when we have love in our hearts. And sometimes they make people uncomfortable, and sometimes they just plain piss people off. Sometimes they will get you the title of bigot or hypocrite…But what are we going to do about it? Do we change our convictions because of this? No. But in some ways it is worse, we have turned our convictions into a chic, culturally acceptable to-each-her-own theology. As if it is right for me but not right for you to protect the most vulnerable among us.

Being Jonan’s voice was potentially the most powerful experience I will ever have outside of encountering Christ.

And is there not unknown potential in each human life, each pre-born baby? I am holding the most recent “contents of my uterus” as I type.  And not in just the “healthy” ones lies unknown potential. In his book The Power of the Powerless, Christopher De Vinck writes, “We are sacrificing the nobility of suffering to the immediate gods of pleasure. We are leaning toward the arrogance of our present comforts and reeling away from the slightest hindrance to our genteel lives.”  His brother lived a life, from birth, as what we would call a vegetable. He lived at home, cared for by his family, until he died in his 30’s…still a “vegetable”.  I highly, highly recommend this powerful read.

So, as we are now in a time unprecedented, we face a potential law, mandated by the department of Health and Human Services that require employers, all employers, to provide payment for services which their conscious and/or faith will not allow. Freedom destroyed. The media has done a great job of making this all about contraception…again, just for those Catholics, right?  But there is more to this law.  This includes abortion inducing drugs among other things. This is the first time in US history that the government is forcing religious institutions to go against their beliefs. 

Now, please understand, I am not one to go all fanatical. I do not appreciate the “scary” political forwarded emails demonizing one side of the isle. Most of the time I delete them before reading them, and when I do read them I am saddened by the lack of factual information being disseminated through Christian fingertips. But I do think there is a time and place to stand up against choices that infringe on freedom, in this case religious freedom (and if you call a woman’s freedom to choose, real freedom, please see paragraph one about the baby’s freedom.). I am fully aware that I am not making everyone my friend by writing these things, but I do think we need to be aware of what is really going on in our government and break the apathetic fog we allow ourselves into in the name of saving our own social rapport.

My church has folks on both sides of the isle, even among the clergy…but so it goes when you care deeply for the poor and for the unborn…where does that leave you politically? Following Jesus can get confusing now can’t it? J Maybe so, but it doesn’t mean we can sit out. I wish I could say I am so attuned to what is going on in our world that I learned everything on my own. I did not. Father Kevin preached an unexpected sermon two weeks ago. I have never heard something like this said at my church, or any church. But I appreciate his deeply thought-out words and his call to action. I urge you, yes urge you, to listen to it here. It is just under 24 minutes long.

Here are some other resources to read. Educate yourself:

And if you don’t think life is at stake. Read this, from an actual published medical journal. The Journal of Medical Ethics, to be exact (note: all doctors do not think this, however, this is research that has been conducted).

If you are in Illinois and wish to contact your leaders:

Let your voice be heard.

And if you really want to go off the deep end ;-) join me and thousands others this Friday, March 23rd, as people gather across the nation in defense of religious freedom. In the Chicago area we will be at 50 N. Adams St. from 12:00-1:00pm. I am sure you could find out where one in your area is happening by doing a simple search online.

Without my voice Jonan Eilam’s life would not have had the impact it did. I guess one voice does matter…


Saturday, March 17, 2012

St. Patrick's Day


Yepper, I am cute!
Celebrating at Emmett's
...no, for real, save me from these crazy folks...

And now a prayer from the actual St. Patrick on this day:
Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me.
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quite, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger. 


Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Ides of March


Today is the birthday of a dear friend. I celebrate her life today and dedicate this post to her by writing about her first word. She has had a beautiful connection to her first word throughout her life, and it remains an important word for her...

Light.

That’s the word. An odd word for a mini-person, making the “L” sound and all; complicated for a mouth-in-training.  A few years back she had to attend a 24 hour solitude retreat as leader in the ministry for which she was working. Their main assignment was to consider how God has loved them, individually and particularly, through their life.  Feeling a bit overwhelmed at this task my friend, never one to shy away from the daunting, sat in quiet and drew pictures of how God had sought her with his love over the years.

Through this quilt of paper drawings emerged a beautiful light…the light of God’s love for her. In her high school days when she was on a seeking journey, in depression and wondering if the whole God-thing was a grand hoax or the truest Reality of all, she found her answer in, of all places, a physics class studying the Solar System. The sun perfect in its light and warmth and the earth, rotating and angled so perfectly that if tilted a degree in one direction or the other we would either be fried or freeze...she saw outstanding perfection. Who else could produce such perfection but God Himself? The great light of our Solar System drew her to the Great Light of the Universe and a new journey began.

Throughout these quilted drawings she remembers her first word…Light…and an early picture of her as a baby, doing what? …Pointing to light. There has always been an attraction to light within her. And in the Physics class she had found true Light. If you were to meander through this paper quilt you would also see how God used the book of Ecclesiastes in her life as she came grips with both the mess of life and the worth of life…nothing has meaning without God. 

Verse 7 of the 11th chapter reads “Light is sweet, and it pleases the eye to see the sun.”

As my friend walks this journey, living in the Light of Christ and as living as the Light of Christ in dark world, I am thankful for her journey on this, her birth-day.

During the Advent season Jeff and I were lighting candles in the dark and praying for those we love…we had a brief, yet powerful discussion on light. He noted, most perceptively, that the light God created (fire) is distinctly different than the light humans created (light bulbs). We are able to point lights where we would like them to be, spotlights being a prime example. We are able to illuminate only that which we choose to see. But light a fire or a candle and its light creates its own places of illumination, it cannot be controlled in the same way a light bulb can. In this same way God’s light (the Holy Spirit) fills our hearts and illumines that which He wants us to see, not what we may wish to see: secrets, distance, lies, pain, etc…and He illumines dark places within for purposes of transformation. We use spotlights to highlight our prettiest places within and avoid transformation for the cost that may ensue during its process.  What Gracious Light to accept us as we are and illumine according to love for the purpose of creating hope and life. Which leads me to another page on that paper quilt, one of my friend’s favorite verses "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you" (Ephesians 1:18).

The word “enlightened”, in the original Greek which it was written means “flooded with light”. May our hearts be flooded with light! And this is the journey we are on, a continually flooding of God’s light in our hearts day by day, season by season.

To end this tribute to my enlightened friend I will put a song here for your enjoyment (as for some reason I have been doing a lot of lately). Though my friend would be first in line to say she is not one to listen to popular Christian radio, she has at times, in searching for encouragement, flipped on the station to hear this song innumerable times at just that right moment. Innumerable times, she says, bringing her to tears considering the love God has for her and how he has shown this to her through her very first word: Light. 


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Ways to Celebrate & Live Joy


·       Thank God out loud
·       Thank someone else
·       Smile
·       Write down something you are thankful for…or many things
·       Forgive…again.
·       Receive forgiveness
·       Celebrate someone else (whether or not it is their birthday), unashamedly
·       Surprise someone
·       Watch squirrels play
·       Talk to a stranger in the store…engage the world around you
·       Give a gift
·       Receive a compliment
·       Dance to a song. For real. Try it. Close your blinds if you need to.
·       Make a meal for someone

Referring to things such as these Richard Foster writes “Only those who are insecure about their own maturity will fear such a delightful form of celebration.” I know well that not all seasons are seasons for celebration, but in all things we are called to joy (Philippians 4:4). And these are not “cheesy” or useless things to practice. Give your heart over to joy, as difficult as that may be at times…I know. It is not irresponsible or unseeing, it is the very heart of God. And trust that He knows your circumstances, even more intricately than you yourself. Let’s resist the culture of complaint within which we live and celebrate life… not for fuzzy, feel-good Hallmark movie ending feelings... but because God lives! And He alone offers all the fullness of life! (John 10:10).

And just in case you need a song to close your blinds to ;-) Here you go…fling those arms open wide…at least once…


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Someone is 3 months old today!

I am basically gorgeous
But I can get pretty mad when mom puts these stupid bows in the center of my face
I like flying with my Papa
and eating my Nana's nose
                                     
and of course, chillin' with my mamma

I am miss bright eyes Elsa :)
Thanks for celebrating my first 3 months!


Monday, March 12, 2012

Arms Flung


It’s like a force field I am forcibly resisting. Though its power is greater than mine, I am strangely able to resist. Its as if it is calling me to open wide my hands, my arms outstretched and walk in…chest first.

The closer I get the more difficult it is to resist; yet resist I do. Usually we dive into things head first, right? But the sense I have is that I must go chest first. Maybe because it is there, within my chest, my heart resides.

Entering unabashed the force field of celebration feels edgy. I think I am engaging this moment to the extent I am able…but the call to enter joy with less hesitation remains. My power to resist comes from my head (maybe that, too, is why I cannot dive in…head first). There is a raw-ness to this force field of celebration. A letting go. An encounter this deep with joy feels so…intimate.  God, close. Does not all joy which exists come from Him? From where else could joy originate? God is love, and can not the fullest of love produce joy? What would love be without joy? They cannot be separated.

So I use my head to fuel my chest. Rather than use my mind to resist movement, I engage it even more powerfully…I renew my mind with Truth and empower a movement better than intellect…yet fueled by it. My intellect will serve me, I will not serve it. The lies that joy is too childish, too dangerous, too out of touch….I wish to say "Silence!" But with the state this world is in, how dare I live in deep joy? Will I not be thought a fool? 

My mind continues to hold me back from the force field…it believes it protects me. 

Then I read this: 
“Why would the world need more anger? How does it save the world to reject unabashed joy when it is joy that saves us? Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn’t rescue the suffering. The converse does. The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now, they are the change agents who bring the fullest Light to all the world.”  -Ann Voskamp

My head begins to believe and set free my chest to draw close. My arms flung open so my heart enters first (can it be any other way?).  I entered pain with all my self, grieving clean I found a mending of soul. Why does joy seems scarier, more vulnerable? How do I enter without the suspicious mind…when will it end? When will the shoe drop? It always does. I lack abandon to God and to trust in His presence.

Then I remember King David, king of Israel, who, when the Ark of the Lord was finally brought back to Israel he “danced before the Lord with all his might” (2Sam.6:14). People were around, he had few garments on, if any, and danced with unashamed delight. So much so that his wife was thoroughly embarrassed! (apparently joy has been seen as childish & over the top for millennia). But David’s resists her shaming words to him and lets her know “I will become even more undignified than this!”

David entered the force field of celebration even when those closest to him remained outside. Arms flung open, joy embraced. Because isn’t this all about God anyways? Joy doesn’t call to us because it is good to have “positive thinking” (though it may be at times) or because it is good for our health (though it is). Joy calls because it asks us to forget ourselves and be enthralled with God who holds all reasons for joy and celebration. He knows us. He loves us. He, alone, can save us. He will never forsake us. He is the beginning and the end. These things remain true. And after all, His joy is our strength (Nehemiah 8:10). With these things my mind is renewing, and rather than it holding me back it is fueling my chest forward...

…and I am getting close…

Are you? 


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Found

I found this sermon on the internet yesterday. I had never heard it before, preached by the pastor of Church of the Resurrection out in D.C., not the one we attend. He heard of Jonan's story last year and asked us if he could use his story in his sermon on suffering. We were in between period of Jonan's life...and his New Life quickly approaching. We said sure, though we had never met, and still have not. I found the sermon, over a year later and listened. He is a great teacher and parses out faith in challenging times very well using the Gospel of Luke. He tells Jonan's story. It is about 37 minutes long, so listen when you have the time to enjoy and be transformed by all of it.   Listen Here


Also found...me, by Elsa in this video. I had put her in her crib under the mobile while I was scrubbing the bathroom the other day. I heard all sorts of noise coming from the room so I grabbed the camera and snuck on in...She was enjoying the company of the frog when I tried to start up the mobile...




Friday, March 2, 2012

Well


It was Monday of this week and I was still feeling weary. Lent had begun the previous Wednesday bereft of personal action. The discipline of Celebration chosen, but I must confess, I had little hitch in my spiritual giddy-up, one might say. Evening was fast approaching which means dinner and, for Mondays, my small group of women arriving at 7pm. They come to our home and daddy takes Elsa out and about from 7-9pm all wrapped up close to him. She typically sleeps the duration.

It was 6pm and I was to start dinner so I could eat and package up some for Jeff. He wasn’t to get home until 7pm this particularly Monday when we would quickly make the baby exchange, hand off dinner, and send him on his way whilst ladies arrive. No prob.  So…it is 6pm I am hungry, Jeff will be hungry, Elsa is growing hungry. I don’t feel particularly overwhelmed, just wearied.  I realize I have not prayed at all that day, nor prepared for my group, nor am I feeling the mental acuity to shoot from the hip. Sluggish I place veggies on the chopping board.

Elsa’s hunger grows.

Somehow I have done nothing but it is now 6:20. Veggies still whole and I am falling into pieces.  I realize my thirst and grab a glass, holding it to the Brita well on our countertop…empty. 

Body and soul. 

Simultaneously I realize I have not lit our Lenten candles for the evening. I quickly light them all reminding me of the many days now past in this season where I have not celebrated. I have not celebrated.


Elsa vocalizes her hunger pangs and I attempt to soothe her with plastic visual. Empty attempts…she wants the real thing.

And so do I.

I stand up to the chopping board with knife in hand and see it is more than veggies that must be cut. These moments do not keep me weary, I do. The cutting I must do is through the false hope that another moment will bring relief, another place will offer respite,  the lie that God cannot refresh me here.

Slice.

This moment is where I begin my discipline of celebration. Knife is laid on chopping board and my heart is cut open…thank you God for this very moment. You are present. You are here. These moments do not keep me from you…I do.

My thirst still calls and so I attend. Grabbing the Word and the babe I sit to feed us both. Jesus encounters the woman at the well in John 4, and I encounter Jesus. 

In the flickering light I remember all moments are places to encounter. I can celebrate right here. I breathe deep and feast without dinner made. Elsa and I. She rests content and I remember through her how good our Heavenly Father must be, He will give us all we need. 

6:50pm, two arrive together early. I am making scrambled eggs for my own dinner now as they hold Elsa. Daddy enters, I hand off babe and cash… “enjoy dinner out, your first of many daddy daughter dates”.  

The group begins in candle light and silence… and us ladies, we drink together from the Well that never runs dry.