the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Rule of Life

When I am unable to write, I miss the pen (well, the keyboard actually). I miss writing, thinking, and musing over ideas and dream-visioning about big picture sort of things. I miss this. My life has become quite small. Big, oh, so big…yet small. 15 pounds-ish small. I truly am finding myself contented in this place. It does not come naturally, however. Contentment is not on the strength-list of the visioning type, within which personality category I would certainly find myself.  But to have contentment with vision seems near impossible, yet also nearing holy.

God must be like this: Patient-filled. Vision-holding.

I tend toward giving in to one or the other. I have vision without patience which fuels an over-working make-it-happen self-filled energy; or I have patience without vision which, for me, then melts into apathy. Neither nearing holy.  A couple weeks ago I hit a wall with this. I felt a bit discouraged…teetering on sick and exhausted.  I had hardly 30 minutes to myself, I was sleeping when Elsa was napping (barely at that time) and, truth-be-told, trying to figure out what ones does with a four month old. I feel like I sound like a bad momma when I say this, but I just don’t know what one does with a baby all the time.  And the thing is…she wants to do! Do anything. This munchkin would be running all over this house if it weren’t for her four-month old body holding her back from conquering the world.  Oh, this little one, she has plenty of vision J

So in my minor moment of discouragement a couple weeks ago I prayed a little prayer. Lord, I need some holy hope. Sounds a bit like a cheesy alliteration, I know, but I meant it sincerely and God answered. Somehow only God can save me from my self-led desire to overdo, and my self-reacting desire to do nothing. He speaks firmly and correctly, always having the proper word at the proper time.

I would say most of the time God answers me with simply His presence. I am renewed in that place and filled up by the One who fills all the earth. There is nothing quite like it, and truthfully that is what I was praying for that morning. But God chose to answer with His presence and a surprise.

I have been leading a small group of women since September; weekly we create space for soul transformation and have seen God do great things among us. An organization called LeadershipTransformations was running this contest about a newly-released IVP book written by their founding president, Steve Macchia, entitled Crafting a Rule of Life: An Invitation tothe Well-Ordered Way. A week or so prior to praying that prayer, I had entered my small group into a contest by writing a short blip about us.  To enter, one simply needed to write about their group and why they wanted to win. If chosen they would be sent free books for each person in the group and have a 30 minute Skype call with the author. Pretty cool.

I entered our group by writing this:
 “I am in process of working out a Mother’s Rule of Life. As a new mom this has been amazing as I dig deeper into the vocation of motherhood. I also lead a small group of 8 women, four decades of ages, mothers and non-mothers, corporate and quotidian, and I would love to do this study with them. We are growing in spiritual connection and transformation is happening as we are exploring group spiritual direction. I think this book could be a great next step as we deepen our intimacy with Christ in the midst of our day in day out responsibilities of life.”

The short story is we won! I actually received an email telling me this and didn’t think it was real. I thought, oh geez, one of these things where everyone “wins”. Maybe it was just promotional…ever the cynic. Before replying, I read the email to Jeff that night and asked if he thought it was legitimate.  Well, it was addressed to me, spoke specifically of my group and my blog, and was from and individual email address…yes, he said, I think it is for real J

I was filled up again with new vision amidst the sincere contentment-seeking of my abovementioned quotidian days.  My personal dichotomy fused together by God’s strength; the interior-self drawing nearer to Holy.

As my group is on this personal journey together, I look forward to writing about our travels. This past Monday we Skyped with Steve, the author, and have a new group energy for engaging this process of crafting our own Rule of Life within the context of spiritual community. Steve reminded us of God’s continual and personal invitation to turn toward Him. The all-sufficient God, wholly complete within Himself, seeks us.  He has need for nothing, so whatever could He want with us?  Only those who accept the invitation can be surprised with His answer.

No comments:

Post a Comment