the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Monday, February 7, 2011

"Plentiful Redemption"

I want to post about Monday, two weeks ago, to offer to everyone interested what the week of Jonan’s birth was like, and how the Lord provided in ways we could have never thought to pray for.
As I shared in my email concerning Jonan’s passing the morning of January 24th I was reading Psalm 27 to Jonan; I had gotten in the habit of reading a Psalm every morning as we prepared him for heaven. Then, as had also become habit, we sang our two songs together “Beautiful Things” and “The Earth is Yours”.  I almost skipped the second one that morning because I was running a bit late for my ultrasound appointment. I actually shut off the player and was walking out the door and felt that I shouldn’t skip that this morning. It was important that I do both songs. And, as I have shared before…I shut the blinds because of the overwhelming joy and sense of worship I had during that song that morning. Worshipping the Lord with Jonan was different that morning. I noted that, but didn’t think much of its significance.
I headed off with two friends to my ultrasound appointment. Jeff really needed to work a gig he had gotten locally. We decided things were likely fine and I it would be okay for him to miss this one appointment.  He did say, however, that he needed to be replaced by two friends, not just one. “I am worth at least two people”.  I agreed. I prepped my friends on our way to the appointment about the nature of the questions I would be asking, and gave them permission to be eyes and ears with me as well. This had been such a stressful time for me that I knew my mind may not work as it should, so please feel free to be brains for me as well as friends along for the ride. 
Well, as you all know the appointment didn’t go as we had almost certainly thought it would.  I asked all sorts of questions about continuing care; she told me of all the real risks I was facing and how we would handle each of them should they arise. After talking with her for about 45 minutes it was time for the routine check for heartbeat…
More silence.
Okay, so the doctor says it can be difficult sometimes, let’s go get the ultrasound machine so we can see him and hear his heartbeat. Great, I think, I will get to see him today, too….a bonus. I knew it was a possibility he had passed, but it seemed so slight. We had only found out 12 days ago of his condition, this was just a routine checkup.  We all sat in stillness with small talk here and there; we didn’t talk of the possibilities.
The ultrasound machine rolled in and out poured the warm, goupy stuff on my belly.  He is on the screen! Everyone but me was looking…I actually found myself praying because I all of a sudden got so nervous.  She looked for a while and actually thought maybe she had seen his heart beating once, but that hope quickly passed. It seemed as if she wanted to see it beating almost as much as I did. 
She stopped and said she would go get another doctor to help her look…oh, no, I know this routine for sure by now. And I am not sure I took a breath until they both came back into the room.  The other doctor confirmed what my doctor was already feeling…Jonan was gone. The ultrasound was only stillness, no matter how much they moved that wand around my belly. I asked them to keep looking; I couldn’t bear moving forward knowing there was any slight possibility he was alive…I was determined not to take his life.
These two women, literally with a tear in their eye, continued this for almost another 15 minutes. How tough that must have been for them. I didn’t want those final words, but they had to be said.  “He is gone.”
Okay (breath) Okay, Lord, this is Your timing (breath) Okay.
They roll out the machine and leave the 3 of us to weep and weep. My two tender friends loved Jonan, too, and they wept with me.  At some point as we were all holding one another and crying I prayed, and then they prayed.  Peace came into that room and then it was time to leave.
I don’t remember leaving, it’s quite blurry from here on out for the rest of the night except for these things:
·        Driving to tell Jeff his son had died. They took me to his gig in person so I could tell him. In traffic, during rush hour. We drove to Jonan’s daddy.
·        After leaving Jeff we were on our way home and they asked what they could do with me: take me home with one of them? Stay at my place with me until Jeff got home? Get some food? What? I said I can’t make any decisions right now…I feel numb. Then my one friend said “Do you want to just keep driving?” Immediately I replied “Yes.” So we did. 
·        Our amazing pastors coming over in a moment’s notice, yet again, to help us make the next step decisions about when to induce and what I would do all day Tuesday so I wouldn’t be alone as Jeff finished his gig .
·        Calling my parents to tell them their grandson had died. Ugh.

That was Monday, January 24th.  God truly surrounded me with everything I needed for the unexpected.

And you know what else happened that day? The song I wrote about yesterday in my post entitled “Waiting”, it was written later that night by our dear friend as he was praying for us…before he even found out Jonan had entered heaven.
And what else?  The scripture for Morning Prayer (in the Anglican prayer book) that day on the 24th was Isaiah 55:1-6, part of which reads:
“So is My word that goes forth from My mouth; it will not return to Me empty, but it will accomplish that which I have purposed and prosper in that for which I sent it.”
Just today (Monday February 7) I received a note from someone at prayer that morning at church. She recalls the following as the group was praying for Jeff, Jonan, and myself:

“The sense we had as we had as we were praying was that Jonan was like that word sent forth in Isaiah, that he would not return to the Lord empty, but that he would accomplish that which God had purposed and prosper in that for which he had been sent. Jonan had been sent forth with a very specific ministry that only he could fulfill. Then, when he had finished the work the Lord had given him to do, he would return, not empty, but as a servant of the Most High, having accomplished all that he had been sent out to do. And in the years to come, the Lord will continue to bring forth fruit and prosper the ministry He entrusted to Jonan, His servant.”

This is very tender for me to share this, and I have debated if I should or not. But for those of you still journeying with me in this I wanted to share this encouragement. As Jonan’s mother, I treasure these things in my heart. And as I wrote just this morning from the book of Job: “For with the Lord there is steadfast love, and with Him is plentiful redemption.”
Thank you for sharing this journey with me. 

1 comment:

  1. Thanks you for sharing this K.
    Again I needed someone else's help with words for me to realize that indeed I can attest to Jonan having been used of God in my life and having been used of God to prepare me for and bring me to a place of healing...and restoration.
    And yes, I began to see (almost literally) redemption taking place while he was still with us, I have joy because I know he has been made new then I have hope because I know all things will be made new. I know with a somewhat tangible certainty now.