the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the Giver of Life

Friday night before the funeral for our Jonan Eilam, Jeff and I prayed through tears that the Lord would teach us. Teach us how to let go. Teach us how to hold on. Teach us, Holy Spirit, we have no clarity for this very next step. Through the creativity only You can provide, teach us. Everyone else can say “it’s okay” or say “it’s time to let go”, but we need You, oh God, to take our hand and lead us. We are so broken, so confused. This doesn’t seem like our life. Teach us, Holy Spirit; we lay ourselves at your mercy.
We went to sleep that night only to find no sleep awaiting either of us. Jeff ended up reading almost the entire book of Job; I tossed and turned and played scenes over in my head of Jonan’s birth.  We zoned in and out of sleep at times, but overall a restless night.
When the time came to get up and walk into that day of his funeral (just one week ago today), a still, small voice entered my heart and spoke: “it’s time to begin letting go.” These words didn’t sting, they were gentle, like the way I had held little Jonan. This was a voice I recognized; this was the voice of my Love, my Lord.  Anyone else could have said those simple words to me; I could have said those simple words to me, but it wouldn’t have been the same. Up until this moment I had wanted to stay in my hospital room, I wanted to go back and spend a week holding him; I wanted everything that reminded me of him:  more pictures, more time, more tears.  None of it would’ve been enough, and I knew this.  But when these gentle words came I knew it was okay to begin letting go, for if God is telling me I can let go, it means He holds Jonan now.
There is none that can speak like the Holy Spirit to our frail human hearts. Sometimes I hear conviction if I am in sin, sometimes an offering of courage, comfort, Truth, direction, creativity, or joy. But it is always this voice of the One who loves me. I know this voice.
I could not walk this road without the many that love me and care for me. I could not. But most of all, I could not move without the power of the Holy Spirit gently leading me through every next step.  Thank you, Holy Spirit, Lord, giver of Life. Thank you for telling me when, guiding me in “how”, and for holding my son as I no longer can. I love You, need You, and cannot walk the journey I have been given without You.  

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