the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Monday, February 7, 2011


So this afternoon I return to the same doctor and in same office where I found out Jonan had passed, but this time for my postpartum checkup (it’s earlier with a stillbirth).  Today is exactly two weeks since we checked in vain for his heartbeat.  This week, if I can get through it all, I am going to recount what happened each day, two weeks ago.  I want to do this to share the amazing story of Jonan’s birth and all the ways that God has provided. 
This morning, however, I find myself wanting to share from Psalm 130, and what it is doing in my heart. Maybe I will post again later today to share about Monday…just two weeks ago.
 At church yesterday a dear friend of ours sang a song he wrote based on Psalm 130, about waiting on the Lord.  This song felt dichotomous in nature to me; it had a melody that gently carried my heart, with words that pierced right through it.
“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope:
My soul waits for the Lord
More than watchmen wait for the morning
More than watchmen wait for the morning.”
Ugh…waiting on the Lord. Right now I don’t want to wait, I still want to be in my 6th month of pregnancy, I still want to hold a baby in my arms come May, I want to get our home ready for our new arrival, I want my husband to get the job we have been praying for…for so long. I don’t want to wait. I don’t want to go through healing and waiting for the right time to “try” again, I don’t want to submit this to the Lord. I want to take control of my life that feels so far from my grasp. I don’t want to wait.
“I wait for the Lord…”
What a difficult thing it is to wait, especially when it seems so unfair and the world around doesn’t seem as if they have to wait for anything.  As Jeff put it the other day, “this is the part of the movie where it stops and you see the words ‘two years later…’”  But do I want what the world has or do I want what the Lord has? I know the answer immediately; I just don’t want to accept the immediate actions I must take…wait on the Lord.
“…in His word I put my hope…”
I struggled with this for a long time last night. Praying before bed feeling like Job (not that my life comes close to his perils, but I still felt like I was praying his type of prayers).  But then I remembered how God answered Job in chapter 38:
4 “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? 
   Tell me, if you understand. 
5 Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! 
   Who stretched a measuring line across it? 
6 On what were its footings set, 
   or who laid its cornerstone— 
7 while the morning stars sang together 
   and all the angels] shouted for joy?
8 “Who shut up the sea behind doors 
   when it burst forth from the womb, 
9 when I made the clouds its garment 
   and wrapped it in thick darkness, 
10 when I fixed limits for it 
   and set its doors and bars in place, 
11 when I said, ‘This far you may come and no farther; 
   here is where your proud waves halt’?
12 “Have you ever given orders to the morning, 
   or shown the dawn its place, 
13 that it might take the earth by the edges 
   and shake the wicked out of it? 
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal; 
   its features stand out like those of a garment. 
15 The wicked are denied their light, 
   and their upraised arm is broken.
Ouch. And this goes on and on and on.  I know it is okay that I have asked the Lord many things, I see this in the Psalms often, but I also remember Job’s reply to the Lord in chapter 42:
 2 “I know that you can do all things; 
   no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ 
   Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, 
   things too wonderful for me to know
Surely I spoke of things I do not understand. Oh, how I don’t understand. I really don’t understand. But I set my heart here this morning:
“I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope:
My soul waits for the Lord...”
For I do long for what is to come:
“For with the Lord there is steadfast love,
And with him is plentiful redemption.”

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