the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

One Week Today

Oh, what a tough day it has been (our internet is down, but I am writing this on Wednesday night, one week since Jonan’s birth).  I didn’t see today coming.  So much emotion; so many tears. Over dinner we wondered that it had been a week already, it has gone so fast. Yet at the same time we lived so much life in this last week. We gave birth to our first child, we held him, we said goodbye, we laid his body to rest, we celebrated all God has done, we have lived so much life.
I have grieved over painful things, but loss like this I am finding is a different kind of grieving. Perhaps something I need to learn more about. There were many “bouts” of tears today.  Prior to today, it was generally one long bout triggered by something specific that I could understand, today it was just crying. Monday it was brought on in the bulk section of Whole Foods. Why? I have no idea. I simply had this overwhelming sense that I should have a child in my arms while trying to get food out of the bins.  It seemed like an instinct my body triggered…where’s the baby? Shouldn’t you be caring for him? Did you forget something? My body doesn’t know yet.
I shared this with Jeff on the way home and began weeping. I almost couldn’t get out of the car because I felt I should be getting someone out of a car seat. Sheesh, I know I don’t have a baby to hold…what is going on? Jeff sat with me in the car as I cried and talked for probably 20 minutes in our driveway.  I didn’t know what to do next. Jeff helped me…let’s get out of the car.  I am pretty sure I said out loud something like “okay, I will trust God to help me know what to do once I walk in the house.” This gives me a whole new perspective to the ol’ cliché: one step at a time.
So back to today, Jonan’s one week “birthday”. There has been no sense I can make to the tears. Triggers like the one above I can at least comprehend, and probably at some level feel some small element of control (which for me is a delight).  But this grief is untethered. In fact, it took me three different “bouts” of this grief today to finally cry out to the Lord. I began with something like “I am so sorry, I am so selfish, Lord. I have given Jonan to you again and again, and all I want is him back in my arms. I say I trust, but this doesn’t feel like trust. I am sorry I feel so selfish.”  I don’t think it is that I do not understand my longing for Jonan, to anyone going through this same thing I would completely understand their tears, but at some level I am disappointed in myself.  I have moments of hope and trust, why am I here again?
In wonderful Jeff fashion, he was there on the bed holding me as I wept and whimpered from deep inside my heart clutching every little relic I had of Jonan. After I had prayed for a while through my tears Jeff gently, but almost interrupting began to pray over me “Blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” He continued on with a heartfelt prayer for me, for us, even for all of you. I think I needed to be stopped and prayed over, and maybe Jeff sensed that. Maybe the Lord prompted him, I don’t know. But a peace came over the room and the presence of God was felt deep in my soul.
You know, Wednesdays may be difficult for me for a while. And probably the 26th of every month. And eventually, January 26th of every year I may shed tears for the son I miss dearly.  But, I suppose today I see that perhaps I thought too much of my faith. It is God who holds me, not I who hold Him.  He is my comforter, my peace.  When I come undone, He is here. As I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil…even lies in my own heart. The Lord is there with me. He will restore my soul. Though my tears seem untethered, I will tether myself to Thee. “Though my heart and my flesh may fail me, the Lord is the strength of my heart, and my portion forever.” Psalm 73:26. Amen.


  1. well.. the empty arms thing is VERY common after a loss. don't feel strange or alone in that. know that you are healing.. physically, emotionally, spiritually a little at a time. as you said, one day at a time.. maybe some days one hour at a time. and just so you know, we think about Jonan every day and last night at 9:10pm Tim was hanging up the phone with Jeff. So very surreal.

  2. It is God who holds me, not I who hold Him.

    Amen. And thank goodness.