the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

A lifetime and the blink of an eye

Today is Jonan’s one month “birthday”. How can it feel like both a lifetime ago and yet a blink of an eye?  I looked over his pictures today. I zoomed in on him, wishing I had taken so many more. Wishing I had thought to see where they cut his cord.  Wishing I had inspected more of my sweet little Jonan. I just don’t want to forget. When I  think about him for any length of time I still can’t believe this is our life. That we lost our son. Still, I think things like this happen to other people. I find myself hanging onto every cold day, thankful that winter 2011 has not moved on yet. I am still not quite ready.

So, happy one-month birthday my sweet baby. I miss you so much. It still seems strange that you are not here with us. Daddy and I spend time crying over you, and yet we also think already about your brothers and sisters. It’s strange. I want so much to know that you know that Mommy loves you. I will think about you until I see you again. It’s hard to believe we only said goodbye one month ago. I read today that the youngest baby to ever be born and live was a week and a half younger than you! It just got me missing you; but I was really happy for that momma who has her baby with her.

I continue to place my heart and hopes on the One who holds you now. I am sure you are not as disappointed as I am at your new Home. I feel like the Scriptures are different to me because we had you for a short time with us. Like Father Kevin said at your funeral service “Jeff and Kimberly, your wedding day made you a couple, but Jonan made you a marriage.” That may be difficult to explain, but your gift to our marriage is just being explored. You may never know the trying road your daddy and I have walked in these last few years, though as you became a man we may have shared them with you, but I want to say that Father Kevin’s words were true and yet also prophetic. The gift of your life continues to work in us in ways unseen.

 You have lived into your name already more than most do in their lifetime. You may know this, I don’t know how all the heaven stuff works, but your name means “God is a gracious giver”. We really felt we should give you this name. I never, ever dreamed I would be the one on the other end of giver…to be the receiver because of your life…and death. I am almost certain I will have no other experience as humbling. And, Jonan, I am not the only one. So many have been blessed by your life. I wish deeply you could be in my arms now, I want to kiss your face and hear you cry. But I am not the One in charge, so I trust you to Him. 

All my love,

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