the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Worship: a whispered calling

This is one of my favorite stories from this past weekend.  Not all moments when God speaks to my heart through His Spirit are they as strong as this, but this time it was. I am convinced God has hears prayers from my heart that have never crossed my lips, barely my consciousness. He really does know our needs before we even ask for them (Matthew 6:8).
Sunday morning Jeff and I woke up and silently lay in bed for I don’t know how long. We knew we would be seeing many who love us at church that morning. Though we so desired that, we knew it could be difficult for us. After a prayer to God to help us receive all He had for us, and to receive from those who love us, we got out of bed and got moving on our day.
As I got dressed, put on make-up (including mascara…why did I do this?), and ate breakfast I had a growing desire to go to church and worship God, with Jonan, through the music that morning. This desire was so strong! I was so excited. I couldn’t wait to get there. The three of us worshipping God together, thanking Him for all He is doing. According to normal fetal development, Jonan can hear at this stage. And though we don’t know if his ears are working properly, at minimum he can feel vibrations and the swaying of my body…so beautiful!
We walk into church and there was a song we sing every week at the beginning of service. As we sang this song it was as if God was whispering right into my ear… “prepare Jonan for heaven with songs and worship”.  There was such a sense of joy and calling in this.  I have been filled up in many ways by God in time of worshipping Him and feel nothing but privileged to help prepare another soul for heaven. I thought, when Jonan enters heaven he will feel at Home, he will recognizes those sounds, he will remember.  And one caveat here: if this conjures up pictures of angels on fluffy clouds, or worse yet, droning churchy music, think again J  Heaven is called heaven for a reason, my friends! Better music than you have ever, ever heard, real angels (valiant, powerful), and God Himself…you know, the One who placed the mountains, braided the rings around Saturn, thought up the blowfish…He just might be fun to meet in person! Ok, back to my story…
During this church service, after communion, our priest and his wife (to clear up confusion on that one, we are Anglican J) brought us aside to pray with us. Catherine shared that in heaven we don’t just go and sit around for eternity, we have work we do there, according to our gifts and skills…joyful work! And when we meet Jonan someday we may be surprised that he has gifts and skills that resemble ours, that he will look like us.  I tucked this in my heart, thinking of my own love for worship, and Jonan’s daddy’s amazing gifts with music…these may be the reasons I am preparing Jonan for this...
Well, we went back to our seats for the remainder of the service and afterwards some friends came to us to hug and cry. After a moment the husband of the couple said he had been praying for us late the previous night and felt really strongly that Jonan was coming to worship with us, that there was a desire in Him to worship God; that there was something great for us to coming as a family, the three of us to worship this morning. (I had shared none of what you just read with him, zero).  So, I told this friend what had been on my mind all morning and how I felt God whisper to me a special calling; that I desired to worship in song with Jonan until he is received into heaven.  Then he said something interesting, he said it seemed to him when he prayed for us that it was possibly more like Jonan putting the desire in me versus me giving this desire to Jonan. He said, sort of like a baby will crave vitamin C so mama will crave orange juice, or baby needs protein so mama craves a burger.  Jonan has a calling to worship, so I crave giving him time with music and songs of worship.  I have never considered a possibility like this.
I enjoy the mysteries of God, but prefer to hang my theological hat on the certainties of the Scriptures. This story is a mystery to me. The cynic in me likes to know that my feelings are coming from a place grounded in truth, not fluffy feel-good Hallmark channel theology (though I have enjoyed some of their movies).   But here I have heard God’s leading, and my desire is to follow. I do not know all about heaven, and when I read the book of Revelation I am only more certain of my confusion concerning heaven, but the bit I do know I hold as Truth, and the rest I will trust to the God described above.
Each morning I spend time worshipping God with Jonan, we sing two particular songs right now. This time fills me up and brings comfort. Someday soon I will miss these moments so much, but for now I will offer myself vulnerably to God and trust He will be there then just as He is for me now. Another gift from my son to me as he lives into his name: Jonan- God is a Gracious Giver. 


  1. "This time fills me up and brings comfort. Someday soon I will miss these moments so much"

    You will always be able to worship and sing with Jonan, he will just be here in a different fashion. For eternity. :) We love you!

  2. Thank you for sharing this. It is beautiful and mysterious and rings of truth. I can't wait to worship with Jonan in heaven.