the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Carry Me

I awake this morning with a bit of fear again. I haven’t felt Jonan in a couple days…I miss that. The specialist told me yesterday on the phone that is normal; even for fully forming babies regular movement isn’t felt consistently until about 24 weeks, I am in week 22. She was, however, sympathetic to my fears. I so want to feel him this morning. I want him to kick me. When will I ever say that again?
I cry out to God this morning, I am crying now. I read Psalm 139 this morning, as Jonan feels so distant to me in a way I don’t like and I am reminded by this Psalm that he is real, and he is seen by God:

“O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you , when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.”

Jonan is seen, known, and being formed by God. I love the Bible. For all the ways it challenges me, it also comforts me. I am thankful for both. True, I don’t know how Jonan is doing today, but this Psalm is nonetheless true. It has been true since the day of conception.
I named this post “Carry Me” because of this overwhelming desire I have this morning to know I am still carrying Jonan this morning. I want to do that for him and don’t feel ready to let go. I put a song on with the same name “Carry Me” ← (click here for the link). It is a prayer sung out to God to be carried through difficult times. A cry to be close to Him. If I, a mother who, yes, loves her son (but I not God or even close!) desire to carry my son in this physically challenging time for him…how much more can I have the assurance that God will carry me, the daughter He sees, knows, and has formed in love?


  1. ...indeed K, how much more.. I weep with you.
    This is a beautiful every way.

  2. ditto. =) praying for you this morning.