the ponderings of a mother
These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.
Monday, January 17, 2011
What about me?
• What about my body? I will have all this pregnancy weight and recovery…with no baby in my arms.
• But I want to try again, and if I carry him I have to wait longer…my clock is ticking and I want to move on.
• Will others judge me for my decisions, no matter what I choose? I want others to approve of me so much.
• At least if I could breastfeed I could lose the weight faster?
• What will my post-partum experience be like? What about depression? That doesn’t seem right, that I should have to go through that part, too.
• How will I know I am in labor? I have never done this before.
• What if I don’t even go into labor and he just passes? I will be carrying around a child who is not living, will that creep me out?
• I miss him already, and my arms already feel empty as I long to hold him, but will I be able to see such an abnormal body? Lord, can I do this? Because I want to hold him so much.
Just because I have gone through this experience does not qualify me to understand what every woman has had to face, and her unique fears and situation; but there are some things that are certain, even amidst all our diversity of experiencing the similar:
• Our lives are not our own if we belong to Christ.
• Another has offered His entire life for me on the cross, and not just my faith in Him, but my relationship with Him will give me strength to receive what is need, moment by moment.
• Decisions must be made with values in mind, not just immediate relief. Sometime moving ahead quickly is not the best thing for anyone. In our culture of avoidance and denial, sitting with loss and pain can be healing for the soul, for out of it can come life like we have never know, and could not otherwise.
• Though very important, this life is not all there is.
• We can understand many things, and our technology and science has helped many things, but there are still mysteries in the world, and there always will be. God is both knowable and unknowable at the same time. Peace invades when we can embrace both.