the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Bright Strawberry Red

Dreams are curious occurrences. Like mysterious windows that allow us to peer into something we shouldn’t know, yet they all about our own lives. There have been dreams I have had that I am relatively positive had significant meaning. Some that I have spent time journaling and even praying about. Even one that had shook me so much I shared it with my counselor when I was in college. And, yet sometimes they are because of the extra sodium we had at dinner that messes with our electrolyte balance during the night.  I cannot claim to know which is which all the time, but on the rare occurrence a dream does seems meaningful I will sit with it for a while and test it out.  I don’t make life decisions on dreams or believe they are premonitions necessarily, but the weightier ones do seem to give that window into my soul and the deeper things of my psyche within during certain seasons of life.

For example, a couple weeks ago about the time life was slowing down after Jonan’s death and work was picking up, I had a series of four dreams in one night. They each involved airplanes either crash landing, crashes, or flying around upside down and even once without a pilot. Feeling particularly holy that morning I sought a trusted source to figure out what was going on within.  I typed “airplane dreams” into my google search bar. All sorts of things came up. After my quick glance of “discernment”, 0ne “interpretation” caught me (okay, so I do not rely on the internet for my life guidance, for the record, but 4 dreams in a row!...I was  just so darn curious). This site said “Do you feel like you are in a situation where not only are you not in control but there is absolutely nothing you can do to rectify what is occurring? When planes crash there are devastating consequences, not to a singular person but to everyone aboard the plane.”  This pretty much summed up my heart’s feelings quite well that morning: I am so not in control of my life and I can do nothing, of which every morning with an empty womb reminded me, to rectify Jonan’s death. And not only that, so many were grieving with us…affecting “everyone aboard the plane.”  So, that morning google did give me some interesting things to think about.

There is another dream that has come recently that will be with me, literally, forever. I have printed it out and have shared it with a few people. It is not actually a dream I had, but a dream my sister Sarah had months before Jonan died, and was born. She knew I had been having dreams about him since we found out we were pregnant. I loved having dreams about him. Before we knew “it” was a boy, “it” was always a boy in my dreams.  Here is a portion of the email I received the day after Jonan was born:

I don't know what Jonan looked like in your dreams, Kimberly, but I can still see his face in the dream I had a couple months ago. Jonan had a perfect face, round and plump just like a baby should look. His eyes were big, blue, and there was a deep sparkle in them. Something that lit up. There was wisdom and joy in his eyes that seared through everything and everyone he looked at. He was so content. His hair was perfect on his head. Shiny, and bright strawberry red. His hair was like yours, Kimberly. He had light skin that was soft to touch, with a really beautiful glow to it. He smiled the whole time. The dream didn't consist of anything but looking at him. That was all my dream was for... I just looked at him while he looked around at everything else. I literally woke up thinking, "man, that was an exceptionally beautiful baby." Not like any baby on Earth. He looked like a baby would look here, but there was something beyond him that made him look too perfect for this world. I like to think that's what Jonan's heavenly body looks like.”

Probably like any mother who loses a baby too soon, I have prayed most vulnerably, “Lord, I really believe he is with You, but could you help me when I struggle to believe this?” This dream of Sarah’s strengthens this assurance for me. See...every dream I had of little Jonan he had beautiful blue eyes like his daddy, and red hair just. like. me.

Though these are not experiences from which I will build a theology, I do allow them to bring me some comfort and allow the mysteries of God to grow within my heart.

"Shiny and bright strawberry red. His hair was like yours, Kimberly.”

No comments:

Post a Comment