the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


(Throughout this post I have linked to posts from last year about Jonan and the journey we were on, they are in pink. If you have time please read the links as we remember Jonan and honor God, the One who gave us his life). 

How precious a birth-day. An October day, just over three months ago a few of my friends and I were anticipating getting together to celebrate my dear friend Kags' birth-day.  That word, birth-day, has often slipped through my lips as easy as the word dinner, laundry or any other mundane word we speak so freely. But this day changed that. Before meeting my friends to celebrate, I had received a call from the hospital where Jeff and I had an ultrasound the evening prior of little Elsa. They called me back that following morning and said I needed to come back for further pictures…right away if possible. Preferably that evening. …Oh, Lord, be with me…I could hardly breathe through setting up the appointment time and calling Jeff at work.  

Would there be another silent birth-day for a baby Pelletier? Please, God, I cannot bury another one, Please God.  

I happened to be enjoying tea with a friend the moment that call came in, so I shared the phone conversation with her and we prayed right there in Caribou coffee. I felt just enough strength to be present to my friend for the remainder of our visit and then drive to meet my other friends for the birth-day celebration at Le Chocolat. As I picked them up for this joyous celebration of a birth-day I gathered myself once again and shared my phone conversation. I was hesitant because I did not want to put a damper on this birth-day celebration we were about to enjoy via a chocolate-induced coma. But being the kind of friends they were I knew they would be upset if I did not share what weighed on my soul. So I did.

As we arrived at Chocolat and sat in our parking spot as they asked to pray for me. I accepted prayers once again, thankful for friends who pray. The presence of God filled the Toyota and my soul…and with His presence came this thought: How precious is a birth-day. How many of my friends and families birth-days have rolled on by with  mere acknowledgement? That moment I longed for nothing more than a healthy birth-day for this baby girl growing within. Looking at my friends in the car I realized there were days when their parents awaited their birth-days. Looking out the car window at people walking about I realized someone, at some point, was awaiting their birth-day. This word: Birth-day is not a word to glibly fall through my lips, but a reason to praise God for new life all around me.  A reason to celebrate birth-days for those I love, for those God loves.  For the many healthy birth-days that have existed for thousands of years. God has been calling forth life since the beginning of time (Genesis). He holds all things together (Colossians 1:17). 

As we exited the car toward Le Chocolat my friends asked if I was up for this celebration as I awaited an uncertain ultrasound that evening. I said, peace flooding within…"Yes!" What better way to trust the Lord with the life of this little one within and with the hopes of a healthy birth-day than to celebrate and thank Him for a birth-day that He did see to completion, my dear friend Kags! Tender and joyous we entered our chocolate paradise thanking God more fully for the gift of birth-days and His sovereignty over them.  

Today, Jonan Eilam, we celebrate with tears your birth into heaven. The day you made me a queen. Never will you know the brokenness of the world outside of my womb. To what extent you experienced that within my I may never know. But thankful I am forever that you were born into the Hands of our great God. I still marvel that you get to see Him before I do. As I visit your grave tonight, for the first time in almost a year, I remember the words I speak every week at church in the Nicene Creed…”We look for the resurrection of the dead and the life of the world to come”. I think of you. What joy your short life has added to the anticipation of the resurrection of the dead. Your life continues to be the second greatest gift we have ever received. Second only to the salvation of our souls through Christ, a precious birth-day of soul, indeed. Though tears find me this day, unexpected and more numerous than anticipated, I celebrate.  Birth-day.  Yours was not as we had hoped, but it did birth faith and hope in the souls of many. Your life and death offered Plentiful Redemption to us and to others. Thank you, Lord, for birth…the births we hope for, the births that break us, the births you work within our souls.  Thank you, Lord. You make beautiful things

1 comment:

  1. Wow! I cannot believe it has been a year! I think of baby Jonan every time I hear that song "Beautiful Things". What an amazing story God has continued to weave. Love you guys & your sweet family <3