When I am unable to write, I miss
the pen (well, the keyboard actually). I miss writing, thinking, and musing
over ideas and dream-visioning about big picture sort of things. I miss this.
My life has become quite small. Big, oh, so big…yet small. 15 pounds-ish small.
I truly am finding myself contented in this place. It does not
come naturally, however. Contentment is not on the strength-list of the visioning type,
within which personality category I would certainly find myself. But to have contentment with vision seems
near impossible, yet also nearing holy.
God must be like this: Patient-filled.
Vision-holding.
I tend toward giving in to one or
the other. I have vision without patience which fuels an over-working
make-it-happen self-filled energy; or I have patience without vision which, for
me, then melts into apathy. Neither nearing holy. A couple weeks ago I hit a wall with this. I
felt a bit discouraged…teetering on sick and exhausted. I had hardly 30 minutes to myself, I was
sleeping when Elsa was napping (barely at that time) and, truth-be-told, trying
to figure out what ones does with a four month old. I feel like I sound like a
bad momma when I say this, but I just don’t know what one does with a baby all
the time. And the thing is…she wants to
do! Do anything. This munchkin would be running all over this house if it
weren’t for her four-month old body holding her back from conquering the world.
Oh, this little one, she has plenty of
vision J
So in my minor moment of
discouragement a couple weeks ago I prayed a little prayer. Lord, I need some holy hope. Sounds a
bit like a cheesy alliteration, I know, but I meant it sincerely and God
answered. Somehow only God can save me from my self-led desire to overdo, and
my self-reacting desire to do nothing. He speaks firmly and correctly, always
having the proper word at the proper time.
I would say most of the time God
answers me with simply His presence. I am renewed in that place and filled up
by the One who fills all the earth. There is nothing quite like it, and
truthfully that is what I was praying for that morning. But God chose to answer
with His presence and a surprise.
I have been leading a small group
of women since September; weekly we create space for soul transformation and
have seen God do great things among us. An organization called LeadershipTransformations was running this contest about a newly-released IVP book
written by their founding president, Steve Macchia, entitled Crafting a Rule of Life: An Invitation tothe Well-Ordered Way. A week or so prior to praying that prayer, I had
entered my small group into a contest by writing a short blip about us. To enter, one simply needed to write about
their group and why they wanted to win. If chosen they would be sent free books
for each person in the group and have a 30 minute Skype call with the author.
Pretty cool.
I entered our group by writing
this:
“I am
in process of working out a Mother’s Rule of Life. As a new mom this has been
amazing as I dig deeper into the vocation of motherhood. I also lead a small
group of 8 women, four decades of ages, mothers and non-mothers, corporate and
quotidian, and I would love to do this study with them. We are growing in
spiritual connection and transformation is happening as we are exploring group
spiritual direction. I think this book could be a great next step as we deepen
our intimacy with Christ in the midst of our day in day out responsibilities of
life.”
The short story is we won! I
actually received an email telling me this and didn’t think it was real. I
thought, oh geez, one of these things where everyone “wins”. Maybe it was just
promotional…ever the cynic. Before replying, I read the email to Jeff that
night and asked if he thought it was legitimate. Well, it was addressed to me, spoke
specifically of my group and my blog, and was from and individual email address…yes,
he said, I think it is for real J
I was filled up again with new
vision amidst the sincere contentment-seeking of my abovementioned quotidian
days. My personal dichotomy fused together
by God’s strength; the interior-self drawing nearer to Holy.
As my group is on this personal journey together, I look forward to writing about our travels. This past Monday we Skyped with
Steve, the author, and have a new group energy for engaging this process of
crafting our own Rule of Life within the context of spiritual community. Steve
reminded us of God’s continual and personal invitation to turn toward Him. The all-sufficient
God, wholly complete within Himself, seeks us.
He has need for nothing, so whatever could He want with us? Only those who accept the invitation can be
surprised with His answer.
