the ponderings of a mother

These are the ponderings of a mother in love with her children, both in my arms and in the grave. Some of these ponderings are quite emotional, some are funny, others contemplative and spiritual. All are sincere. May these writings bless you in many ways and bring you closer to the one, true God and Redeemer of all things.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

You are He

I was reading Psalm 71 the other morning before work and was caught off guard. I wanted to read the entire thing but when I got to verse six I couldn’t budge…I kept reading it over and over:

“Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
   you are he who took me from my mother’s womb.
My praise is continually of you.”

I know this prayer was written thousands of years before me and Jonan, and clearly this person lived through their birth to write such prayers, but it still stopped me that morning. There is a profound timelessness about Scripture when studied properly. And though I didn’t study this in depth, taking it at face value reading it over and over, it still proved timeless:

“Upon you I have leaned from before my birth;
   you are He who took me from my mother’s womb.
My praise is continually of you.”

For me, that morning, it was as if Jonan wrote that Psalm himself. “Upon you I have leaned from before my birth.”  I remembered all the mornings I was still carrying him when I would read the Psalms to him, and the hunger I had for worship while I carried him. It was so deep. And, as a dear friend reminded me, it was as if Jonan was the one giving me these cravings. Just like I craved orange juice because I needed vitamin C, so I craved worship and God because Jonan desired His presence. As I have oft written, these are mysteries, I know. But they still are.

Continuing on in the verse is the part that hooked me like a baited fish… “you are He who took me from my mother’s womb.”  Strictly speaking, the writer was likely referring to the day of his own birth. But generally speaking, God did take Jonan from his mother’s womb. He took Jonan straight into His arms. It was not that I had never considered this before that is struck me, but the strength it conveys. There are those who, inappropriately, take children from their mother’s womb. But this is different. This verse conveys a strength, a timing, and beauty to the taking. A taking by One who’s wisdom transcends my own. Who’s power brings me fear and comfort. Who’s timing I can ultimately trust. And who’s beauty I have yet seen.  “you are He who took me from my mother’s womb.”  You are He.

Then this little-known verse concludes “My praise is continually of You.”  And isn’t that the truth? Among the many unknown things Jonan is doing right now, the one I am certain of is praise. Praising He who took Him.  And what a great thing that is as I get to join with Jonan and the angels each time I praise that One.

So as I walked along the road today to this coffee shop I am sitting in I felt the breeze and saw all the people enjoying the glorious weather….I thought of Jonan.  He will not know a beautiful day as this one. He will not be here to play with the puppies. Or taste the ice cream.  And, oh, how much I wanted to show him the trains that zoom by countless times each day just feet from our house. In all honesty, the days are getting easier; acceptance (along the stages of grief) is finding rest in the Pelletier Home. But each new season brings new things for me to miss and dreams to allow into the grave. And as I wish this verse made it all go away, it doesn’t.  But what I do have is He who took Jonan. And He who took him, well, then…He must have Him. And in there is peace, trust, and a strange sort of beauty.

You, Lord…You are He. 

1 comment:

  1. I just want you to know that I love you and I miss you.